Ho'oponopono for Someone Else: How to Practice for a Specific Person

Can you do Ho'oponopono for another person? Yes, in a specific way. How it works, how to do it for someone you love, and what it can't do.

"Can I do Ho'oponopono for someone else?" is one of the most common questions people ask once they've learned the four phrases. Usually there is a specific person behind it: a partner who has gone quiet, a parent you're estranged from, a child who is struggling, a friend who is ill, someone you can't stop thinking about.

The short answer is yes, but probably not in the way you expect. In the form of Ho'oponopono most people practice today, you don't send the phrases to the other person, and you don't do something to them. You clean what is in you about them. This page explains what that means, how to do it, and where its limits are.

The short answer

• Yes, you can practice Ho'oponopono about another person, without them knowing and without them taking part.
• The work is on your side. In Self-Identity Through Ho'oponopono (SITH), the modern form taught by Morrnah Simeona and Dr. Hew Len, you take responsibility for what in you is experiencing the problem with this person, and you ask for it to be cleaned.
• You say the phrases inwardly, to the Divine or simply to the part of you that is hurting, not to the other person.
• It is not a way to control someone, to make them come back, love you, apologize or change.
• It is not medical treatment. If someone is ill, Ho'oponopono can be your way of caring and staying steady. It doesn't replace their care.

Traditional and modern: two different answers

It helps to know that "Ho'oponopono" refers to two related practices.

Traditional Ho'oponopono was a family reconciliation process. Everyone involved gathered, usually guided by an elder, and worked through what had gone wrong between them. In that form, the other person very much takes part.

Self-Identity Through Ho'oponopono, developed by Morrnah Simeona and taught by Dr. Hew Len, is something one person does alone. That is the form behind the four phrases, and it is the reason you can practice "for" someone who isn't there, won't participate, or has died.

For more on the difference, see traditional Ho'oponopono vs Self-Identity Ho'oponopono.

What "doing it for someone" really means

In the modern teaching, a problem you experience with another person is understood as memories replaying in you. The person may be acting in ways you find painful. Ho'oponopono doesn't say they aren't. But the part you can work on is your side of it: the hurt, fear, anger, guilt or longing that comes up when you think of them.

So when you practice "for" someone, you are really practicing about them:

• I'm sorry for whatever in me is part of this.
• Please forgive me.
• Thank you.
• I love you.

Dr. Hew Len's best-known story, from the Hawaii State Hospital, is often told as an example of this: working on himself while reviewing patients' files, rather than treating the patients directly. That story is widely retold and hard to verify, and we look at what's documented in the Dr. Hew Len hospital story. But it shows the idea clearly: the work happens in you.

How to do Ho'oponopono for a specific person

1. Bring the person to mind. Picture them, or simply think of their name. Notice what comes up in you: tightness, sadness, irritation, worry.

2. Turn toward what you feel, not toward them. You're not addressing them or trying to reach them. You're addressing what in you is reacting to them.

3. Say the four phrases slowly, inwardly. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. Direct them to the Divine, or to the part of you that is carrying this, whichever fits your beliefs.

4. Let go of what happens next. The practice asks you to release the outcome. You're not trying to make them call, apologize, recover or change.

5. Repeat whenever they come to mind. Try a few phrases each time the person surfaces in your thoughts, rather than one long session. See how many times to say Ho'oponopono for simple patterns.

Common situations

A partner or a relationship in trouble

The practice can help you stop reacting in the same old way, which often changes how a relationship feels from your side. It cannot make someone stay, return or love you. If you're working with a relationship, our guide to Ho'oponopono for relationships goes deeper.

A parent, sibling or estranged family member

Family patterns run deep, and the other person may never take part. Ho'oponopono lets you do your side of the repair anyway. See Ho'oponopono with a difficult parent and Ho'oponopono for family estrangement.

Someone who is ill

People often ask about using Ho'oponopono for a loved one's health. Please hold this one carefully. Ho'oponopono is not a treatment, and nobody can honestly promise it will heal another person's illness. What it can be is a way to meet your own fear, helplessness and grief with something other than panic, so you can be more present for the person you love, alongside their medical care.

Someone who has died

You can practice for someone who has passed, including the things that were never said. Our guide to Ho'oponopono for someone who has died walks through it.

Someone you want to forgive, but not reconcile with

Practicing for someone doesn't mean you have to let them back into your life. Forgiveness and reconciliation are different things: see forgiveness vs reconciliation.

What Ho'oponopono for someone else is not

• Not a way to make someone love you or come back. Practices sold as making a "specific person" return misunderstand what Ho'oponopono is about.
• Not a replacement for boundaries. If someone is harming you, cleaning your side of it doesn't mean staying in harm's way.
• Not a substitute for care. If someone is in crisis, physically or emotionally, get them real help.
• Not something done to them. You don't need their permission, because you aren't doing anything to them. You're working on yourself.

Start with yourself

It can feel strange at first that the way to help a situation with someone else is to work on yourself. But that is the heart of the practice, and it's something you can begin today, a few phrases at a time.

Our free guide walks you through a simple daily Ho'oponopono routine.